A list of things I have said to poultry

 "Stop that! It's not his fault he exists and has testicles!"

"There has been too much duck crime today! No more crime until tomorrow!"

"I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE"

"TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE" (almost every day, when I want them to go back in the damn coop)

"STOP EATING MY TREES THEY ARE BABIES"

"Capes are not in fashion! Get out of the feed sacks!"

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT"

"YOU DISGUST ME"

"That's not where eggs go!"

"STOP POOPING ON ME I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU OW YOU HAVE SHARP TALONS"

"Stop shouting and eat your food!"

"Who's blood is this?!"

"Puddle water is not delicious! I just filled the waterer!"

Lambing =/= Kidding

 Two days! Two ewes! Two lambs! I'm glad that Limu and Flo at least coordinated, but also wild shenanigans abounded.

RELEASE US

1. Of course they both lambed out in the field, not conveniently in the barn. No problem! I know to use the lamb to lure the ewe where I want her to be once she's got it mostly clean. This lead to Flo getting confused, going back to where she had him, and deciding that clearly Sif had disappeared her lamb somehow... even though he was hollering for her in the barn. Lesson learned: BACK away from the ewe, keeping the lamb between her and you. If the lamb leaves her line of site for even a fraction of a second she forgets where it is and panics.
2. Lambs are really quite stoic. When I dip a goat kid's navel (a process that involves turning them on their backs for good coverage), they holler, which draw's mom's attention. Lambs are just like "welp this is my life now," once again causing the ewe to be confused, because wait where did my baby just go? Oh wait there it is!
3. Lambs get up MUCH FASTER than at least my goats do. This leads to a toddling lamb looking for the milk bar while mama is trying to wash its face. They kind of circle each other. This is adorable.
4. Ewes have TINY LITTLE NIPPLES. Is the baby nursing or is it just sucking the side of her udder? I'm not sure. Shine a flashlight under there. Now the baby is confused because it got bright all of a sudden and it was just born.
5. With both ewes in stalls with their lambs, Jake from State Farm can no longer find his ladies like 95% of the time. Where did they go? Are they lost? Ram screm ensues. He sounds like he smokes a pack a day, more so than usual.
6. Sheep are follow mammals - their babies follow them very closely from day one. Goats are cache mammals - they hide their babies and go back to feed them until they're strong enough to keep up. This makes finding the babies both very easy (they're with mama!) and very difficult (mama could be anywhere!).
7. If I pick up a lamb, the ewe does not know where it went. The lamb, still stoic, says "welp this is my life now" again. The ewe runs around in a panic calling for her baby. Sheep, turns out, do not look up.

NYOOOOOOM

They are extremely cute and I look forward to them frolicking in the pasture, and also, Soay ewes generally blow their fleece shortly after lambing... so also FLEEEEEECE. They're so soft and allowing more scritches than ever before!!!

I'm all alone...

A diary of an old lady goat who just wants some respect dammit

 So I brought home two lovely aged does this weekend, Lily (7, in milk) and Champagne (9, bred), who have impeccable pedigrees and production records and will be tremendous assets to the herd. They have ideas about this.

Sunday afternoon: Lily and Champagne are happy to come out of the barn. They are suspicious of getting in the car but definitely too lazy to put up too much fuss. Is that hay in there? Get this puppy out of my way I am too old for this. (The puppy was very cute and received many pats.)

This new barn smells funny.

Still Sunday afternoon: Lily - whyyyyyyyyy I'm too oooooooold for this!!! Champagne - zzzzzzz

Finally home, Sunday evening: We have arrived just in time for everybody to be fed and milked. Champagne walks into the milk room and jumps on a milk stand like she owns the place. Lily converts into 160 pounds of rage and stomping. She does like the grain though.

Lily - I'M LEAVING THIS PLACE IS TERRIBLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. Sif - don't worry mama I'll make sure she stays safe!

I'll find my own herd! With PROPER STAFF!

Monday morning, milking: Lily - I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH A MANAGER. AND MY PREVIOUS STAFF. I WILL GIVE THEM SUCH A TELLING OFF. Champagne - (chewing peacefully). Milk goes everywhere. Everything is wet. Nogoaty else wants to use the milk stand after that.

Are you sure you are qualified to do this?

All goats are released. Champagne finds the babies. Happy old lady goat noises commence.

They will come around and everything will be fine, but if you enjoy drama, bring home an aged doe. You've apparently got a 50/50 chance.